Do not talk incessantly about your ex. You do need to talk to someone to let out your anger and rage, but limit your circle of listeners to a few good friends and family members. The clerk at the supermarket doesn’t need to know just what a bastard/bitch your ex-husband/ex-wife is!
Get professional help
“What you may find overwhelming is the fear of making mistakes that are going to affect you forever. This is a scary thought. This is why it is important that you surround yourself with professionals whose expertise you trust and respect – and can afford.”
Telling your children
“Talk to your children together. Given children time to react and time to be mad and sad and to ask questions…Try to anticipate the children’s questions and reactions, and be prepared to respond. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings.”
Gender differences
While getting through the emotions of divorce are unique to everyone, men usually have a different experience than women… It is common for men to experience mood swings after a divorce, as thoughts can quickly change from savoring new opportunities to regret. Mornings may be easier for men, as a new day can be seen as full of promise, while returning to an unfamiliar and empty home can heighten feelings of loneliness.
Make your child feel better
Talking with your pre-schooler about divorce can help ensure that they aren’t blaming themselves for the divorce, or as a child may see it, “making Daddy (as is often the case) leave.” …Pre-schoolers can be quick to assign themselves guilt for a divorce. They can also believe things happen because of what they wish for, so make sure they know their thoughts and feelings weren’t responsible.
Choosing anger
Believe it or not, anger is a choice we make. There are various reasons that some would hold onto this poison and refuse to let it go. For starters, many become addicted to anger. Anger gives a false sense of power and strength. …Real strength includes the ability to refuse the false rush anger brings us, to have the power to see the entire situation for what it really is and respond with clarity and compassion.
Who’s responsible for loans?
Even if a judge has stated that your spouse is completely responsible to pay off specific outstanding loans or credit card debt, for example, as far as the credit bureaus, creditors and lenders are concerned, as long as both names are listed on the account, both people are equally responsible for that debt. If your spouse is late on a payment or an account goes into a negative standing, it will impact your credit score and credit history as long as the joint accounts remain intact.
Dealing with abuse?
Sustained abuse of any kind must be stopped. If you are a victim, it is up to you to take the first step. This might involve counseling, but only if your husband/wife goes willingly, and cooperates fully in all strategies and actions aimed at protecting you and your children. Often a realistic program of rehabilitation will involve a period of separation between the abuser and his victims.
Making decisions
Analyze what it is you are worrying about. Get the facts; analyze the facts; arrive at a decision – then ACT on that decision. This is a very freeing motion that will advance you forward. Isn’t that better than being stuck?”
Know your money
Many times more women than men have no idea what they have financially. You want to make sure you’re aware of every investment. Read every financial statement. If there’s anything you don’t understand or something seems out of whack, then you need to really investigate it.
Escape plan for abuse
There are many important things you should do if you are an abuse victim preparing to leave your spouse. These include: making copies of important records, papers and bills; putting these records, some cash and some extra clothes in a safe place or a trusted friend’s house; and leaving when you must. If you can, start your own bank account. Get credit cards in your own name. If the threat of physical violence is imminent, escape with your children as soon as you can.”
Realistic monthly budget
“You may have already prepared a monthly budget for your lawyer to review. If not, you soon will. Having a budget is also a smart way to maintain control of your finances as you move forward.”
Talking to an attorney
“Save up your questions. Don’t call or e-mail your attorney every single time you have an inquiry. Check with your lawyer first and find out how he or she likes to handle communications – via e-mail, phone calls or meetings with prepared agendas.”
Picking the right person
“Screen him or her thoroughly. Be choosy. Do not settle for less than you deserve.”
E-mailing your spouse
“Many divorce lawyers will tell you that e-mail can make or break a divorce case. Remember that it is easy in the heat of anger to send an e-mail that you will regret….With e-mail, once the button is pushed, it’s gone and you can’t get it back. Don’t send any e-mails containing threats, emotional diatribes or profanity.”
Creating a new life
“Your job after a divorce is to create a better life than the one you had before. Life is now a journey into the unknown. This may seem overwhelming, but try to look at it positively, because it can be very exciting.”
Keeping your priorities straight
“Even in the worst divorces, there has to be a time of healing and acceptance. If you have children, you should do all you can to maintain a civil relationship with your ex and his family. For a time you will feel all the venom that raises in a fight, but once the fight is done, don’t hang onto the bitterness. Think of the children.”
Rethinking your image
“It’s important for you to think of yourself not just as a newly single woman or man, or as a mother or father, but as someone who is so much more. A worker, a friend, a volunteer – there are so many roles that you can play. You need to weave these other roles into your definition of yourself.”
Dating again?
“Dating after divorce is an adventure. You will learn new things about yourself and your feelings. Follow your instincts, but remember, a leopard does not change his spots. If a man/woman shows you who he/she is, believe what’s right in front of you.”
Where’s the money gone?
“ Deadbeat parents learn many tricks. One is to hide assets by putting them in the name of a girlfriend, new spouse or parent. That way there is no bank account. Wages (particularly off-the-book payments) go straight into this other person’s bank account. Property is in another name."
Going from house to house
“Give children something to look forward to when they come home. Talk to them about what this could be – a special snack, alone time, a TV show to watch, and so forth.”
Collecting child support
“If you anticipate that collecting child support or spousal support will be an issue, your attorney can put you in contact with the government agency whose role is to make sure that support payments are collected and paid.”
The impact of divorce
Traumatic as parental divorce can sometimes be, however, it rarely ruins a child’s life in the long term. Certainly it can mark that life and it can hurt a lot, but the pain is passing, not permanent. It is an influential part of the child’s history, but it is not all of the child’s history. There are far worse adversities (like deprivation, neglect, violence, catastrophic events, or death of a parent) that a child can suffer. Most children are resilient enough to weather parental divorce and grow on with their lives.
Prenuptual timing
"A prenup drafted right before a wedding is not a good idea. Give yourself and your attorneys enough time to consider it, draft, redraft, work with the other party's attorney. Modifications are common and it should be collaborative effort."
Talking is the key
Communication and conflict resolution are keys to keeping a marriage intact. Communication is a learned skill that's needed to handle issues. Without communication and the ability to resolve conflicts skillfully, couples fight and defend their point of view instead of collaborating and finding ways to move forward.
Visiting the other parent
Custodial parents need to speak up to their ex-spouse about visitation concerns that the child only feels secure voicing at home. “I’m left alone too much. I get frightened about what might happen.” These kinds of statements must be taken seriously. Custodial parents should first listen and then ask the child to specify what is happening or not happening to cause these feelings.
Reconciling your emotions
What does a working divorce look like? …Let go any unrequited feelings of love or hard feelings from past hurts so that both partners are emotionally free to move on joined only by the common caring they share for the children.
This too shall pass
“Listen to your heart. Trust in the knowledge that you will survive this devastating loss. You will survive, and you will thrive again.”
